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SEAN: Sidequel’ is now a term. Like, the new Aliens film is a sidequel to Aliens 3.

RHANA: That’s terrible. Like sideboob, but worse.

SEAN: I would take sideboob over sidequel.

RHANA: So would I.

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Happy Thanksgiving, Rhana! I hope all your Thanksgiving cooking and dinner go super well!

Love forever,

Sean

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RHANA: I have a crush on Chris Cuomo. There, I said it. Do Canadians even know who Chris Cuomo is?

SEAN: I have no idea who he is. But I’ll Google Search him.

RHANA: His father was a former governor of NY, his brother is the current governor of NY. He’s on CNN. He’s my Anne Hathaway.

SEAN: So, eyes so deep you can lose yourself in them, a body that stills the heart and a smile that takes your breath away?

RHANA: You scare me sometimes.

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SEAN: I woke up this morning and realized I’m Max Von Sydow from Hannah And Her Sisters.
RHANA: I hate to say it, but you’re definitely Frederick.
RHANA: I suppose that makes me Mickey? Of course I’m the hypochondriac.
SEAN: Thank you for getting the Hannah reference. I feel less alone in the universe now.
RHANA: Trying to rush through work crap so I can sit down and watch Hannah And Her Sisters. You’re contributing to my laziness.
SEAN: I loved that movie. I loved that idea of New York. I wanted my life to be like that. (Insert sigh.)
RHANA: I always imagined I’d be like Diane Keaton in Manhattan Murder Mystery. It’s too bad I don’t have Woody Allen writing my lines.

SEAN: I woke up this morning and realized I’m Max Von Sydow from Hannah And Her Sisters.

RHANA: I hate to say it, but you’re definitely Frederick.

RHANA: I suppose that makes me Mickey? Of course I’m the hypochondriac.

SEAN: Thank you for getting the Hannah reference. I feel less alone in the universe now.

RHANA: Trying to rush through work crap so I can sit down and watch Hannah And Her Sisters. You’re contributing to my laziness.

SEAN: I loved that movie. I loved that idea of New York. I wanted my life to be like that. (Insert sigh.)

RHANA: I always imagined I’d be like Diane Keaton in Manhattan Murder Mystery. It’s too bad I don’t have Woody Allen writing my lines.

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RHANA:  I just got Heart Shaped Box. On my list of things to read.
SEAN:  It’s definitely creepy. Cool story. I just got Sammy Hagar’s autobiography. PS I am not a Sammy Hagar fan.
RHANA:  The fuck? Was the book free?
SEAN:  The book was like seven bucks. I have no idea why I bought it.
RHANA: You wasted your money on the Hagar book. Here’s the book: born, did some gigs, older than you think, Van Halen, I Can’t Drive 55, done.
SEAN: There’s a nice crotch shot of Hagar on his Trans Am. That’s worth seven bucks right there.

RHANA: I just got Heart Shaped Box. On my list of things to read.

SEAN:  It’s definitely creepy. Cool story. I just got Sammy Hagar’s autobiography. PS I am not a Sammy Hagar fan.

RHANA: The fuck? Was the book free?

SEAN: The book was like seven bucks. I have no idea why I bought it.

RHANA: You wasted your money on the Hagar book. Here’s the book: born, did some gigs, older than you think, Van Halen, I Can’t Drive 55, done.

SEAN: There’s a nice crotch shot of Hagar on his Trans Am. That’s worth seven bucks right there.

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After too long apart, Rhana and Sean finally meet up at a Dragonlance cosplay convention. Both were dressed as Raistlin. This conversation took place in the long bathroom line.

Rhana: Low and behold. The king is here.

Sean: Well, fuck me. It’s you. OH MY GOD.

Rhana: You’re the one who is busy all the time. With work. And stuff.

Sean: Yeah, real busy. Being a mid life crisis afflicted failure takes up soooo much time

Rhana: At least i know what I have to look forward to. How was Fringe?

(Rhana has recently convinced Sean to watch Fringe. Arm bars were employed.)

Sean:  It was okay. Mythology episode.  Bald guy episode.   Season one still.

Rhana: It gets better. Then weird.

Sean: So how is President’s Day? Or is it Predator’s Day? I like that better.

Rhana: Predator’s Day sounds better. And like a real holiday.

Sean: “Don’t have time to bleed this Predator’s Day? Let us do it for you. The American Red Cross.”

Rhana: Ha.

Sean: So apparently Harrison Ford is in the next Star Wars. And my sources say he’s going to die in it.

Rhana: Isn’t he already dead?  Rimshot.

Sean: He’s in the Witness Protection Program. Ha ha! Get it?

  Because that was his last good movie

  So…protect it.

  ahem.

Rhana: You mean, you didn’t like Indiana Jones and Stupid Crystal Skulls?

Sean: I know you were a fan. I’ve read your fan fiction. Intriguing stuff.

Rhana: If I didn’t already hate you, I’d tell you ‘I hate you’ right now.

Sean: I value our open and honest communciation.

Rhana: Oh wait, you probably liked Random Hearts because you’re a softy like that.

Sean:  Never heard of it. Sounds too much like ‘Love, Actually’, which sounds a lot like ‘a pile of cinematic shit.’

Rhana: I wish I could punch you so hard right now.

Sean: So do I, but really, the new Star Wars. We must bond over this. Save our dying marriage.

Rhana: Are they bringing back Chewbacca?

Sean: I have no idea. He died in the novels—stupidly, I will add—so I don’t know if they ignore those. I hope they do.

Rhana: If there are Ewoks, then I’m done.

Sean: If there are Ewoks, I hope JJ Abrams blinds them with lens flare and they fall into a fire

Rhana: You’re mean.

Sean: We can never understand Ewoks. What if they’re actually saying the most horrible things?  I like the idea of racist Ewoks.

Rhana: I think Ewoks are related to Gremlins.

Sean: Sorry, you reminded me of Phoebe Cates so I hope she’s in the next Star Wars. Maybe she’ll kill Han Solo by giving him a heart attack as she dives into a Coruscant pool.

Rhana: There’s going to be nudity in the movie?

Sean: I hope so.  It’s what Star Wars needs.

Rhana: I think more people would watch it.

Sean: Gives a whole new interpretation of ‘lightsaber’.

  And ‘Sarlacc pit.’

Rhana: You’ve been waiting for that, haven’t you?

Sean: For the last twenty four years.

 

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(It was a Saturday morning. Sean and Rhana pull into a half empty diner on a lonely interstate. Rhana doesn’t take off her sunglasses as they sit down and motions to Sean to get her coffee. Lots of it.)

Sean:  Good morning

Rhana:  Yo. So… how was Twilight?

Sean:  OMG.  SOOOOO GOOOD

Rhana:  You’re really a 13 yo girl, aren’t you?

Sean:  Look, you’ve read them. You’re the 13 year old girl.

Rhana:  I read them because I was doing research.

Sean:  Uh-huh.

Rhana:  I wish the whole vampire phenomenon would just go away.

Sean: But I fear what would replace it.

Rhana:  Mummies. Trolls.

Sean:  The Mummy Diaries.

Rhana:  Mummy Dearest.

Sean:  Let’s Throw Mummy From The Train. So, the whole reason we haven’t spoken in so long is because you’re ‘researching’ Twilight?

Rhana:  Yes, I’m writing a knock-off called Sundown.

Sean :  Please. Tell me more.

Rhana:  It’s about a lone vampire who walks around in the Old West, looking for his half brother, John Johnson.David Carridine will play the vampire in the movie/TV show. And maybe there will be Kung-fu.

Sean:  The dead David Carradine? I like it.

Rhana:  Publishers are totally lining up.

Sean:  Do you have a total girl crush on Kristen Stewart? You can tell me. No one reads this thing.

Rhana:  I’m not sure. I kind of do and then sometimes, I just want to kick her pouty face. But that’s just me.

Sean :  A friend of mine once said Kristen Stewart always looks like she has to poop.

Rhana:  There’s a greeting card right there.

Sean:  I admit I don’t know much about Twilight other than I don’t mind looking at Kristen Stewart in jeans.So I guess I’m like most middle aged males in North America.

 Rhana:  Here is my all time favorite Twilight explanation http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

Rhana:  It may be better than the books.

Sean:  Ha! So what else you been up to? How’s that nanny job coming along?

Rhana:  I have soooo many people who want my services. That’s the curse of being Asian.

Either people think I I’m the nanny OR the housekeeper.

Sean:  The witty nanny with the smart remarks that makes the laugh track go off. “Ooooh, that Rhana!”

Rhana:  NBC has rights to the sitcom.

 Sean:  I’d watch that over New Girl.

 Rhana:  You don’t like New Girl??

 Sean:  I HATE IT.

Rhana:  Max Greenfield is hilarious

Sean:  …

Rhana:  I watch it because of him.

 Sean:  …

Rhana:  Fine.

Sean:  Must be an American thing. I’m glad it brings you joy.

Rhana:  Oh wait, you like to watch intellectual shows like Whitney.

Sean:  Here it comes. I have never seen Whitney. I did see Chelsea Lately, and man oh man, you are so Chelsea’s sister.

Rhana:  Stop talking and I’ll take that as a compliment.

Sean:  You both sound the same.YOU HAVE THE SAME VOICE.

Rhana:  Nasally?

Sean:  No, just that sarcastic, cutting way of making people feel dumb. Like now. I like it. Let’s be friends.

Rhana:  I’ve added you to my Do Not Call list.

Sean:  See any movies lately?

Rhana:  The Amazing Spider-Man. It was okay. That’s my critique.

Sean:  I think that was the consensus world wide. Every review was just three words. “It was okay.”

Rhana:  So there you have it.

Sean:  Have you started Misfits yet?

Rhana:  NO.

Sean:  I swear, woman….

Rhana:  I still have a pile of YA novels to get through. RESEARCH.

Sean:  Forty minutes an episode. OF AWESOME. (sigh) What novels are you reading? Vamp Lit? Angel Lit? Cutter Lit?

Rhana:  Days of Blood and Starlight - chimera/angel love.

Sean:  Nice title. Does Kristen Stewart wear jeans in that one?

Rhana:  No, you wish.

Sean:  Chimeras are changelings, right?

Rhana:  They’re beings made up of several different genetic parts, like a she-wolf-dolphin-bat, for example.

Sean:  Oh, right. Sorry. Forgot my Shadowrun.What games are you playing? Guys love hearing about women who play games. Game us, Rhana.

Rhana:  I just downloaded The Dark Knight Rises on the iPad. it’s actually pretty entertaining. They don’t make that game for the Blackberry, by the way, in case you were wondering.

Sean:  The only game they make for the Blackberry is FRUSTRATION. It comes free.

Rhana:  I figured as much.

Sean:  So what’s the deal with the Dark Knight game?

Rhana:  Well, you glide around Gotham looking for Cat Woman and hurt a couple bad guys. I didn’t get very far because the 8-yo saw it and took over.

Sean:  This is why I don’t have kids.

Rhana:  Sharing is not cool.

Sean:  Although if I did have kids I’d let them grind my JRPG characters for me.

Rhana:  Ha.

Sean:  ‘Here, Alphonse, hit this guy over and over.”

Rhana:  Of course your kid would be named Alphonse.

Sean:  Of course. If I had a girl, I’d call her Trixie Dynamite.

Rhana:  Your inability to separate comic book life from reality is hilarious.

 Sean:  That’s why I assume you’re just one of the X-Men.

Rhana:  It’s a good guess. At least I’m not a vampire.

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(After too long a time, Sean and Rhana sit down for a coffee together via the Interwebs. This is what happened.)

Rhana:  What the hell takes you so long?

 Sean:  I have an old computer and had to watch lots of porn first.

 Rhana:  Do you have hamsters running on a wheel to power your computer?

 Sean:  grrrrr

 Rhana:  Porn slows down the computer. so I’ve heard. Grrrrr yourself.

 Sean:  I’m 47 with a high school diploma. Make allowances. I only managed one year of college.

 Rhana:  That’s better than none.

 Sean:  Went for a second year, dropped out, moved in with a punk rocker, and so there it is.

 Rhana:  It’s a good story that I will tell my children.

 Sean:  Dear kids. Stay in school forever. Love, Mom.

 Rhana: My daughter  told me last week that she’s considering Harvard for college. And I’m like “What the fuck - you can’t pick a cheap-ass public college?”

 Sean:  Maybe she’ll scholarship up.

 Rhana: Probably. She’s too smart to be our kid. She was supposed to bring in a few things for school yesterday that represent her. And she brought in an autobiography about Nikola Tesla. And she wrote down a bunch of his formulas and stuff.

Sean:  I adore this kid. See Tesla is getting his museum now?

Rhana:  And she also brought the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe. She did tell me something about the museum. About time.

Sean:  The Oatmeal did a Kickstarter and hit their target. They have a great Tesla comic there.

Rhana:  I must see this. I’d like to do a Kickstarter thing, but I think people would bill me instead of donate money.

Sean: I watched most of Moneyball today and thought of you. I thought I’d watch a sports thing.

Rhana:  Did you like it?

Sean:  I’m not done yet. But I like what I saw.

Rhana:  Oh. Sorry. Carl I enjoyed it as well, although he was convinced he was going to hate it. I’m surprised I got through it because Brad Pitt is not one of my favorite people.

Sean:  Why? He’s HANDSOME.AND DREAMY

Rhana:  Ever since Legends of the Fall, he just seems to irk me. YOU think he’s handsome and dreamy.

Sean: You’re going to ruin it. 

Rhana:  I’ve ruined it. I’m like the plague that way. The Bubonic Plague AKA Rhana.

Sean:  That should be either your wrestling name and/or porn name

Rhana:  I think it works in both. I’ll ask Vince McMahon.

Sean:  Oh, we saw this real honey last night.

Rhana:  Do people still say ‘honey’ in that context?

Sean:  We do in Canada.

Rhana:  Oh my god, I’m back in 1995.

Sean:  It’s still 1995 here. We’re all dial up internet.

Rhana:  Do you say “hella”

Sean:  Yes, we say ‘hella’ on BBS

Rhana:  I have a modem I can give you, by the way.

Sean:  What is this sorcery of which you speak

 Rhana:  So about this “honey”…

 Sean:  Yes. She was about thirty, beach blonde hair, with a kinda shirt that became a skirt. And was three sizes too small.

Rhana:  I like to call those sizes SMARGES.

Sean:  I was with a friend at a coffee joint and she was ahead of us on what we assume was a Plenty of Fish third date.

Rhana:  Did you two mature adults snicker and giggle?

Sean:  No, we looked away, but she kept bending down ALL THE TIME. In three inch heels. And she wasn’t wearing a bra. And the front of her shirt/skirt kept flopping open. Her boyfriend wore his sunglasses above his eyes and seemed the happiest man on Earth.

Rhana:  Shit. You two were in a porno. THAT was that weird music you were hearing in the background.

Sean:  You see, that sort of display doesn’t work on me. A woman reading Reddit in black framed glasses? Mrrrow. So that was entertaining in a sad, the human race is dying sort of way.

Rhana:  Life is fun in Canada.

Sean:  OH MY GOD. I just learned that you can play Zork in Black Ops.

Rhana:  Great. Thanks.

Sean:  Ouch. Your uncaring cuts deep. I’m surprised we never went out.

Rhana:  I was more of a bitch in college than I am now. I probably would’ve rolled my eyes at you.

Sean:  You mean it was WORSE? Dear God.

Rhana:  It was bad.

Sean:   I really don’t want to imagine it. You would have crippled me.

Rhana:  Ain’t that the truth.

Sean:  If you had to online date, what service would you choose?

Rhana:  Shit, I don’t know. The one with the farmers is quite amusing. Or the one for the over 50 crowd. They should actually just mix those two together and you have a plethora of lovely candidates.

Sean:  There’s one aimed at geeks that you think might be okay but it just seems a portal to nightmare.

Rhana:  I thought they were all portals to some sort of evil.

Sean:  It’s flavours of evil.

Rhana:  I got set-up on a blind date one time - he ate and drank 10 times more than me and he left me with the bill. it was over $200. He talked about himself and baseball the entire time.

Sean:  Man, what a douche.

Rhana:  Douche times 5

Sean:  I’ve never had a blind date.

Rhana:  Good. They’re bad news.

Sean:  I asked a woman out at the comic store once. It turned out badly.

Rhana:  Yeah, I could’ve told you that wouldn’t end well.

Sean:  I was poor(er) at the time, and could only afford plastic razors.

Rhana:  There’s nothing wrong with plastic razors

Sean:  So I was running late, and had to shave real quick, and ran out the door. Go through the entire date, and she can’t get away fast enough. Get home, look in the mirror, and may face is covered in dried blood.

Rhana:  Oh my God - you were the original Dexter.

 Sean:  WHY WOULDN”T SHE SAY SOMETHING?

 Rhana:  Canadians suffer quietly.


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(image from chib. enjoycel.com)

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THAT BATMAN MOVIE WHAT JUST CAME OUT.


Sean:  So, Rhana, I heard you went to the movies. FINALLY.

 Rhana:  Hey, you have three kids and see how easy to get shit done (said in a super nice voice)

 Sean:  Hey, I have to keep up with my video games and comic books, so I know what time pressure is like.

Rhana:  You know how Bane breaks Batman’s back? I’m thinking I need to do that to you right about NOW.

Sean:  As a last request, could you dress as Catwoman first?

Rhana:  I highly doubt I could even get my arm into that thing.

Sean:  So, we’re talking about The Dark Knight Rises. And I’ve been waiting weeks for you to see it. So? SO?

Rhana:  I loved it. Did you have any doubts that I wouldn’t it?

Sean:  I thought Bane might scare you. I mean, didn’t Paranormal Activity scare you?

Rhana:  I still hate you for recommending Paranormal Activity. I actually enjoyed Tom Hardy’s Bane. I think I just enjoy Tom Hardy.

Sean:  But how could you tell it was him? He had that Marquis De Sade air filter on his face. It could have been Hulk Hogan.

 Rhana:  Thank fuck it wasn’t Hulk Hogan

 Sean:  I kinda wish Chris Nolan had hired nothing but wrestlers. Chyna as Selina Kyle?

 Rhana:  Ugh. She does porn now. Chyna, that is.

 Sean:  I have to eat later, you know.

 Rhana:  I’m just saying. I read an article on the plane once.There is no erasing that from my memory.

 Sean:  Good for you, Rhana! Oh, an article on porn. I thought you were just looking for validation.

Rhana:  Then I had to read the article for you because we both know what horrendous reading skills you have. You’re picture book of the month will arrive shortly.

Sean:  You’re?

Rhana:  YOUR

Sean:  Oh, SNAP

Rhana: I can’t type today.

Sean:  Now, SPOILER ALERT….Did you see Talia coming?

Rhana:  I did not. And I liked that part of the story.It was a good twist (listen up, M. Night).

Sean:  I grew up reading the Seventies Batman comics, the classics by Denny O’Neil, and so did Nolan. Talia was a big part of those. I should have seen it.

Rhana:  I’m changing my last name to al Ghul.

Sean:  Rhana Al Ghul. I kind of see you as Cheshire, though.

Rhana:  Hmm…I don’t know. Doesn’t Talia have Batman’s child in the comic book?

Sean:  Yes, Damian. He’s a little bastard.

Rhana:  But he becomes Robin later, right?

Sean:  He is Robin right now. Keeps trying to kill people. Took a shovel to the Joker’s head.

Rhana:  I have a lot of reading to catch up on.

Sean:  No, a crowbar. Because Joker killed Jason Todd with a crowbar. Who Talia later trained after he was resurrected. That Talia. The bad penny.

Rhana:  Your NERD is showing.

Sean:  Sorry. I’ll zip up.

 Rhana:  I have Death and the Maidens somewhere around here. I still have to read it.

 Sean:  Did you like Anne Hathaway?

 Rhana:  I liked her conflicted character. I bet you loved her.

 Sean:  I did. I loved how she was channeling Adrienne Barbeau in her vocal delivery.

 Rhana:  Oh, that Chesty La Rue, I mean, Adrienne Barbeau.

 Sean:  She was so big in the Eighties. Is there a pun there?

 Rhana:  Of course not.

 Sean:  She and Loni Anderson adorned my locker. I had class.

 Rhana:  Did you have feathered hair?

 Sean:  Fucken A.

 Rhana:  YOU DID!

 Sean:  When you were running around arcades with your bag of quarters, I was the guy brushing his hair by the Defender machine.

 Rhana:  Your plastic Goody brush.

 Sean:  YES!

 Rhana:  My hair wouldn’t feather.

 Sean:  Was this pre-or post bowl cut?

 Rhana:  Post. My mom did have my bangs permed in 1984 - that sort of thing is unforgivable in my book, but she claims it never happened. That’s what pictures are for, woman!

 Sean:  I think we’re off topic again. But you must post those pics.

 Rhana:  We were on a topic?

 Sean:  Our ADD means our screenplay will be a big hit in art houses with the clinically depressed.

 Rhana:  If you say so. I told my parents about our screenplay. I can hear them nodding their heads, but not believing a word I say. They’re not getting anything for the next 10 Christmases.

 Sean:  My mother said… “That’s nice.” So since we’re screenplay masters……what would you change in the Dark Knight script?

 Rhana:  I’d probably change the whole Daggett character and those scenes. And probably edit the movie down a little.

 Sean:  It did run a little long.

 Rhana:  There was a lot of shit going on. It was nice to see Matthew Modine working on the big screen again.By the way.

 Sean:  I didn’t even recognize him until you pointed it out.

 Rhana:  Were you staring at Anne Hathaway the entire time?

 Sean:  There was entrancing. Her scene in the bar was great.

 Rhana:  Did you like JGL’s role?

 Sean:  I did. I like him, over all, but I thought he was perfect in the role we didn’t know he was playing until the end.

 Rhana:  I thought he was good in that role as well. I enjoyed the progression of his character.

 Sean:  The subtle nod about his name was perfect.And the final scene? Yes.

 Rhana:  YES.

 Sean:  If I could change anything, I would have put in a reference to the Joker.

 Rhana:  Like?

 Sean:  Just a line. Like he was out causing shit somewhere and wasn’t in Gotham when Bane locked it down. That he was still out there. I understand why he wasn’t mentioned, but in years to come, it will seem odd.

 Rhana:  I liked the Killer Croc reference.

 Sean:  Killer Croc? I didn’t hear that.

 Rhana:  After Gordon is pulled from the sewers, he’s questioned about his time in the tunnels and asks if he saw any giant alligators. There were a few of us that laughed at the line in the theater.

Sean:  Oooh, completely missed that. Nerd. Do you need your inhaler?

Rhana:  Perhaps I read too much into that line. OR perhaps I’m smarter than most.

Or perhaps I need a beer.

Sean:  I can take a hint. So what do you think of the trilogy overall?

Rhana:  LOVE. I wish I wrote it. Damn you, Nolan brothers! Damn you, David S.!

Sean:  Hey, just wait. Our Bat-Mite screenplay will make this pale in comparison. Especially the second film, when Ace the Bat-Hound pees on the Bat Signal.

 Rhana:  That’s all you, man. That’s all you.

 

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(Warning: This following waste of internet contains spoilers for the Paranormal Activity series.)
Rhana: Have you seen any cool movies lately? And by cool, I mean, movies that DON’T suck.
 Sean:  You think all my movies suck, so you mean one that doesn’t suck as much, right?
 Rhana:  Yes, Ebert, that’s what I mean.
 Sean:  Well, I saw Tinker Tailor, Soldier Spy which was weird because it had Sherlock Holmes, Commissioner Gordon and Bane fighting commies.
 Rhana:  It’s like the Justice League. In England.
 Sean:  And it took place in the Seventies, so I have no idea. I’m going to try and find the comic. Have you seen anything?
Rhana:  I watched one movie because you couldn’t stop talking about the series. Remind me to kick you later.
Sean:  Hey, the Pokemon films are underrated…
Rhana:  You’ve just told everyone you’ve watched Pokemon movies. My kids won’t even watch those.
Sean:  I weep for the next generation. Are you talking about the Paranormal Activity films?
Rhana:  You’ll be crying for a long time. And yes, I’m talking about the Paranormal Activity movies. So I watched the first one yesterday.
Sean:  Pretty awesome, right? AMIRITE?
Rhana:  NO.
Sean:  Well, let’s see what you do consider a great horror film. Which one is your favourite? Are you a slasher girl?
Rhana:  The Exorcist. Didn’t that scare you? Linda Blair forever haunts me.
Sean:  Well, that’s a classic. I still get freaked out by it. But lower grade horror. You liked the Fright Night remake, right?
 Rhana:  That was okay, but NOT scary.
 Sean:  Okay, there are Aerosmith albums that are scarier, but for different reasons.
 Rhana:  The Blair Witch Project scared me. Sometimes, Carl will be facing a corner in a room when I walk in. I hate him sometimes.
 Sean:  HA HA! I like Carl. So you found Blair Witch scary, but not PA? Weird. You are weird. I will now always call you Weird Rhana.
 Rhana:  What was so scary about PA? ALSO, I think I lessened the scare factor because I was squinting or sort of looking out the window while watching the movie. THAT’s how I do horror movie.
Sean:  Well, watching a horror film in full daylight while not watching all of it may have played a small role. I thought the build up of fear was interesting. The scenes where Big Eyes stands beside the bed for like three hours looking at Dork Meat? SCARY.
Rhana:  Huh. Somehow I kinda missed that.
Sean:  You missed that. You saw the movie and missed that.
Rhana:  I told you I was squinting.
Sean:  You know they blew up the Death Star in Star Wars, right? Did you see that part?
Rhana:  Can I stab you in the eye now?
Sean:  Well, there was that scene. And it was scary.
Rhana:  What do you find scary? The Phantom Menace?
Sean:  I find The Hangover scary.
Rhana:  You’re the scary one. WHY?
Sean:  Because people find it funny. One of my dearest friends loves that film, and I have to bite my tongue when she talks about it.Well, I don’t always bite my tongue. In fact, I’m surprised she’s still my friend.
Rhana:  I’m surprised people don’t throw tomatoes at you when you walk down the street.
Sean:  I’m a vegetarian imagine the money I’d save. But look here. You said you didn’t care for The Hangover, either. Or did you squint through that one, too? Is that how Americans watch movies? SQUINT-O-VISION?
Rhana:  I’d rather watch The Hangover than any of the PA movies.
Sean:  I don’t know you. The last scene in Paranormal Activity didn’t scare you? When Big Eyes goes all super scary Hulk and tosses Dork Meat away?
Rhana:  That wasn’t scary. Seriously, is that the scene where you started crying? ALSO, I may have been eating croutons at the dining table when that happened.
Sean:  It frightened me. I will admit that. So you’re not going to watch the rest? There is a MYTHOLOGY at work here.
Rhana:  You mean, they get dumber?
Sean:  I’m beginning to see why Americans love Michael Bay.
Rhana:  I DON’T love Michael Bay (Hi, Michael, I’m a writer for hire. Call me!).
Sean:  (Hi, Michael! I’m Rhana’s writing partner! We do angst and explosions real good!)
And no, smartass, they get DEEPER.
Rhana:  Oh, we are so hired. DEEPER? What is this? A porno? I’m not taking movie advice from you anymore.
Sean:  At least I don’t google porn actresses who play Dungeons and Dragons like some people I know.
Rhana:  That was you, dumb dumb.
Sean:  Oh. Shit. I thought it sounded familiar.
Rhana:  I have the tweets to prove it.
Sean:  ANYWAY….Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3 explain why PA1 happened. There are wikis. They involve…I’m suddenly aware of what this will sound like…
Rhana:  You should probably stop. NOW. You said Paranormal Activity AND wikis in the same sentence.
Sean:  Well…it involves a witch’s coven. From the Thirties.
Rhana:  Next you’ll tell me that the rest of the Saw franchise is really good.
Sean:  No, I never will. I don’t like gore. That isn’t horror to me. It’s just shock. Kinda like that time you and I talked on the phone for the first time.
Rhana:  Oh, so now you have your standards. Is that one of your back-handed comments?
Sean:  It’s my first after your ten, yes.
Rhana:  I don’t think I’ve been that mean to you. You’re too soft. That’s what happens when you stop drinking.
Sean:  I enjoy your barbed affection. It keeps me balanced. And for the record, you sound lovely on the phone. Even when you’re calling me a dork. Have you seen anything good of late?
Rhana:  I watched Contagion with the 9-year-old yesterday. Not bad, in that everyone dies sort of way.
Sean:  I wanted to watch that but was afraid there would be scenes with chimps in cages. I can’t take that.
Rhana:  No chimps in cages. I promise.
Sean:  Oh, then, I’ll watch it. Isn’t that woman from Inception in it?
Rhana:  That would be Marion Cotillard. You like her, don’t you?
Sean:  Not sure. She was good in Dark Knight Rises, but creeped me out in Inception.
Rhana:  I don’t know if I like her or not. She’s definitely no Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Sean:  Kat Dennings and Anne Hathaway are the only unattainable crushes I need.
Rhana:  Of course.
Sean:  And Louise Brooks circa 1928.
Rhana:  You’re so random.
Sean:  You’re so Raven.
Rhana:  Well, my work here is done.

(Warning: This following waste of internet contains spoilers for the Paranormal Activity series.)

Rhana: Have you seen any cool movies lately? And by cool, I mean, movies that DON’T suck.

 Sean:  You think all my movies suck, so you mean one that doesn’t suck as much, right?

 Rhana:  Yes, Ebert, that’s what I mean.

 Sean:  Well, I saw Tinker Tailor, Soldier Spy which was weird because it had Sherlock Holmes, Commissioner Gordon and Bane fighting commies.

 Rhana:  It’s like the Justice League. In England.

 Sean:  And it took place in the Seventies, so I have no idea. I’m going to try and find the comic. Have you seen anything?

Rhana:  I watched one movie because you couldn’t stop talking about the series. Remind me to kick you later.

Sean:  Hey, the Pokemon films are underrated…

Rhana:  You’ve just told everyone you’ve watched Pokemon movies. My kids won’t even watch those.

Sean:  I weep for the next generation. Are you talking about the Paranormal Activity films?

Rhana:  You’ll be crying for a long time. And yes, I’m talking about the Paranormal Activity movies. So I watched the first one yesterday.

Sean:  Pretty awesome, right? AMIRITE?

Rhana:  NO.

Sean:  Well, let’s see what you do consider a great horror film. Which one is your favourite? Are you a slasher girl?

RhanaThe Exorcist. Didn’t that scare you? Linda Blair forever haunts me.

Sean:  Well, that’s a classic. I still get freaked out by it. But lower grade horror. You liked the Fright Night remake, right?

 Rhana:  That was okay, but NOT scary.

 Sean:  Okay, there are Aerosmith albums that are scarier, but for different reasons.

 RhanaThe Blair Witch Project scared me. Sometimes, Carl will be facing a corner in a room when I walk in. I hate him sometimes.

 Sean:  HA HA! I like Carl. So you found Blair Witch scary, but not PA? Weird. You are weird. I will now always call you Weird Rhana.

 Rhana:  What was so scary about PA? ALSO, I think I lessened the scare factor because I was squinting or sort of looking out the window while watching the movie. THAT’s how I do horror movie.

Sean:  Well, watching a horror film in full daylight while not watching all of it may have played a small role. I thought the build up of fear was interesting. The scenes where Big Eyes stands beside the bed for like three hours looking at Dork Meat? SCARY.

Rhana:  Huh. Somehow I kinda missed that.

Sean:  You missed that. You saw the movie and missed that.

Rhana:  I told you I was squinting.

Sean:  You know they blew up the Death Star in Star Wars, right? Did you see that part?

Rhana:  Can I stab you in the eye now?

Sean:  Well, there was that scene. And it was scary.

Rhana:  What do you find scary? The Phantom Menace?

Sean:  I find The Hangover scary.

Rhana:  You’re the scary one. WHY?

Sean:  Because people find it funny. One of my dearest friends loves that film, and I have to bite my tongue when she talks about it.Well, I don’t always bite my tongue. In fact, I’m surprised she’s still my friend.

Rhana:  I’m surprised people don’t throw tomatoes at you when you walk down the street.

Sean:  I’m a vegetarian imagine the money I’d save. But look here. You said you didn’t care for The Hangover, either. Or did you squint through that one, too? Is that how Americans watch movies? SQUINT-O-VISION?

Rhana:  I’d rather watch The Hangover than any of the PA movies.

Sean:  I don’t know you. The last scene in Paranormal Activity didn’t scare you? When Big Eyes goes all super scary Hulk and tosses Dork Meat away?

Rhana:  That wasn’t scary. Seriously, is that the scene where you started crying? ALSO, I may have been eating croutons at the dining table when that happened.

Sean:  It frightened me. I will admit that. So you’re not going to watch the rest? There is a MYTHOLOGY at work here.

Rhana:  You mean, they get dumber?

Sean:  I’m beginning to see why Americans love Michael Bay.

Rhana:  I DON’T love Michael Bay (Hi, Michael, I’m a writer for hire. Call me!).

Sean:  (Hi, Michael! I’m Rhana’s writing partner! We do angst and explosions real good!)

And no, smartass, they get DEEPER.

Rhana:  Oh, we are so hired. DEEPER? What is this? A porno? I’m not taking movie advice from you anymore.

Sean:  At least I don’t google porn actresses who play Dungeons and Dragons like some people I know.

Rhana:  That was you, dumb dumb.

Sean:  Oh. Shit. I thought it sounded familiar.

Rhana:  I have the tweets to prove it.

Sean:  ANYWAY….Paranormal Activity 2 and Paranormal Activity 3 explain why PA1 happened. There are wikis. They involve…I’m suddenly aware of what this will sound like…

Rhana:  You should probably stop. NOW. You said Paranormal Activity AND wikis in the same sentence.

Sean:  Well…it involves a witch’s coven. From the Thirties.

Rhana:  Next you’ll tell me that the rest of the Saw franchise is really good.

Sean:  No, I never will. I don’t like gore. That isn’t horror to me. It’s just shock. Kinda like that time you and I talked on the phone for the first time.

Rhana:  Oh, so now you have your standards. Is that one of your back-handed comments?

Sean:  It’s my first after your ten, yes.

Rhana:  I don’t think I’ve been that mean to you. You’re too soft. That’s what happens when you stop drinking.

Sean:  I enjoy your barbed affection. It keeps me balanced. And for the record, you sound lovely on the phone. Even when you’re calling me a dork. Have you seen anything good of late?

Rhana:  I watched Contagion with the 9-year-old yesterday. Not bad, in that everyone dies sort of way.

Sean:  I wanted to watch that but was afraid there would be scenes with chimps in cages. I can’t take that.

Rhana:  No chimps in cages. I promise.

Sean:  Oh, then, I’ll watch it. Isn’t that woman from Inception in it?

Rhana:  That would be Marion Cotillard. You like her, don’t you?

Sean:  Not sure. She was good in Dark Knight Rises, but creeped me out in Inception.

Rhana:  I don’t know if I like her or not. She’s definitely no Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Sean:  Kat Dennings and Anne Hathaway are the only unattainable crushes I need.

Rhana:  Of course.

Sean:  And Louise Brooks circa 1928.

Rhana:  You’re so random.

Sean:  You’re so Raven.

Rhana:  Well, my work here is done.